gratitude cafe: words and memories...

lately, i've been thankful for so many things... but tonight, i am thankful for the creative writing classes i've been taking through the city of edmonton , i am thankful that i can walk from my house to said class in twenty minutes through a beautiful part of town. i am thankful for likeminded new friends, who share my giddiness over words and images and books and stories, and inspire me to write from a deeper part of my heart.

one of tonight's exercises was to think of a childhood memory, and write a short piece of creative nonfiction... this is one of my most vivid early memories.

enjoy.

- photo by jeremiah ro on flickr - used under creative commons license - 

even though our bedtime had long passed, the sky was still alive with a golden dusk. grandpa took our glowsticks in his hands and snapped them to life, shaking them until the neon hit both ends, and tied them loosely around our necks. our feet danced atop the brilliant green backyard grass. it was flawless and freshly-cut, and the only thing in that regina evening that was cool. we were surrounded by our parents and grandparents and great grandparents and the ancient trees that towered over sussex crescent, and ice clinked in glasses between my favourite voices that always, always, always talked about the weather, the heat, the 'humudity'.

when the colours above us melted from gold into grey, we tilted our heads back to watch fireworks converge from the corners of the sky. we waited for them to finish, like listening for the last kernels of corn to pop over a campfire - they slowed to irregular intervals, punctuating an increasing silence and a deepening black sky. finally, we meandered up that narrow staircase into the spare room, the one on the top floor, with a colourful quilt on an ancient bed. we were asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow, my sister and i, with the windows wide open, trying in vain to cool down that sweltering upstairs air. 

the next morning i awoke to find that the glowstick had been removed from my neck and placed on the set of drawers next to the bed. my great grandpa had extracted it with his gentle hands when he came to tuck us under a sheet, on his way to join my great grandmother in their room down the hall.

gratitude cafe: 'work.'

smiles and seventies sing-alongs. 

i'm thankful for the simplicity i have on days like today, where it is my job to make sure that the tasks involved in producing a batch of peanut butter cookies are shared equally among three people. it has to be fair, or someone will feel left out. each step needs to be explained as simply, concisely and clearly as i can manage, while thinking on my feet. two dozen cookies is a major victory for a day in my workplace.

on friday, my workday consisted of attending a sledge-hockey match, with about a hundred absolutely elated spectators. a highlight was when 'YMCA' came on over the pa system, and the game paused while spectators and athletes both stopped to enjoy doing the dance together. i loved that the days schedule was readily paused for the sake of solidarity in silliness.

yes, there are days that i can't wait to burn out that front door at the end of my shift. i'm regularly called names, i've been spat on (and worse), i've had to completely re-determine my criteria for a 'successful' day. but ultimately, i am so thankful for my job. 'my girls' are hilarious and feisty and unique, and i absolutely love connecting with them through their very individual tastes in music.

today, i am thankful for the opportunities they give me to embrace simple pleasures, black-and-white decision making, and celebrating even the smallest of victories.

what are YOU thankful for?

gratitude cafe - friendship edition

well, well, well.

it has certainly been a long time since i've posted a gratitude cafe... what say we start these up again?? yes. yes we shall.

it's four and a half months into 2013 (HOLYCRAPHOWDIDTHATEVENHAPPEN!?), and i have truly sucked in the department of practising gratitude. there have been some fairly extreme ups and downs, but i certainly have a lot to be thankful for. at the top of the list, though, is the people who have brightened my life with their smiles. this gratitude cafe is dedicated to all the fan-freaking-tastic humans in my life.

'you're the strangest person i ever met, she said & i said you too & we decided we'd know each other a long time.' - brian andreas

 today i'm thankful for:

- nixie for the giggles and the smoothies and the hair times and the hugs and honesty - charlene for the deep chats and the laughs and the hope on my behalf and the all-of-a-sudden fantastic friendship... i can't believe how much i have missed you in the three weeks you've been gone - lanny for the hospitality and the spontaneous hangs and the music and seriously, being one of the most genuinely kind people i've ever met - and ryan, for everything - 

- the entire lttx church family for welcoming me so unreservedly - ryan for cheering when i walk through the door every week - amanda for instant friendship and coffee and smiles and hope for good times ahead - shawn & kate & grace & elijah for laughs and the beatles and word-geeking - sergio for always-honesty and genuineness - tara for including me in everything, and great chats whilst crafting -

my brother, the darth, and i

- my brothers for non-stop pun and meme texts throughout my week - my sister for always being around and generally awesome - mum & dad for a fab birthday dinner, even in a blizzard - carmen for always encouraging me - for alex and angee, two of the most fab gf-s that a girl could ask for - johnny and mali for near-continual online dialogue - and to alex o for marathon phone calls, and picking up just where we left off - the buxtons for everything, ever -

on monday afternoon, i was driving down whyte ave, and in the space of about 15 blocks, i drove past three people i knew, cruising along on the sidewalk. later, i stopped in at planet organic and ran into yet another friend. one thing i always loved about christchurch was that i was guaranteed to see familiar faces wherever i went... i've missed that, and i am very grateful that i am collecting more familiar faces in edmonton - maybe, just maybe, i am starting to feel at home.

thank you. 

struggle and hope dancing together to a hip-hop beat.

photo from lee reed's fb; lyrics from his song 'enough'

on saturday night i found myself underground, grooving to the tunes of a handful of 'conscious' hip-hop artists. the convergence of all sorts of seemingly disjointed concerns and curiosities that have been rattling around in my brain caught me off guard, as they all revealed their connections… hip hop and church and despondence and corporate hope… who knew they could all dance together in perfect time? gritty rhymes, begging for answers, grieving the greed and materialism that surrounds us, and, more than anything else, longing for freedom in a world that seems like there is none. 

'while most folks they can't cope with it, 

until hopelessness grips the whole globe and shit - 

how much fucked up stuff's enough,

until enough folks say that enough's enough?

...how long we gonna hold our breath, 

hoping for something to come better than this?

yes, desperate for something that's better than this...'

- lee reed

somehow, unexpectedly, my heart was drawn out of its hiding place in my chest, gravitating to the creativity and the spirit of the night, captivated by this brutally passionate offering of words and beats entwined into desperate questions. how we can possibly exist amidst such unjust systems? how have we let ourselves become so distracted? how did so many people come to believe that buying stuff will make you happy? and what have we done to the planet? how do we make sense of this giant mess?

i thought to myself…. i wish the church would feel this much discontentment towards materialism and advertising lies, and the numbness that surrounds us… i know that there is a place for this in the church, but it's been a long time since i've seen it. our hearts are grieved by brokenness, but so often it's limited to the brokenness of personal struggles, or perceived immorality… but it has been so long since i've been part of a fellowship that is concerned with the brokenness that affects our cities, our nation, and our world as a whole. 

there was something so inspiring in the passionate discontentment with the status quo - universal questions, that are all too easily drowned out and ignored, put on a back burner and forgotten unless we actively allow ourselves to engage with them. it reminded me of the most radical man i know - the one who first told me that the patterns of this world are not mine to conform to. relatively speaking, i don't know a lot about Jesus, but if there is one thing i do know, it is that he came to bring freedom. 

we need freedom, and we need hope. 

last week i read something that reminded me that christ brings hope on a national level… so many of those bible promises are talking to nations… whole huge groups of people - humanity as a whole, even!-  who are in it together, crying out for hope and freedom. those promises aren't just fortune cookie messages from god to me (or whoever happens to crack open that particular cookie) meant to make it all better, to neatly package up my pain and offer a three-step solution. 

and yet the paradox is this: those messages are for me, they are hope and bread and life for me to hold onto, but they are also for a nation at a specific time and place, and also to sow hope for all of humanity - that yes, it's true… this status quo is NOT okay, this is not the world we were created to live in - all of creation, in all places in time, groans as we long for redemption… 

if there was one thing i heard pumping through XLR veins on saturday night it was a cry for redemption. and who is exempt from that longing?

i feel like it's been a long, long time since i thought about stuff like that, and it ignited something in me… for the past couple years i have been so, so focused on my individual struggles, my pain, my world, and just surviving, that i have hardly had the capacity to look past the end of my own nose and remember the bigger issues, this fight that we're living in. at times i feel even more discouraged when i see the struggles of the world around me - there's a nagging guilt that i should be more grateful, for so many are happy in the midst of far, far worse. 

and yet there is a string that ties us all together in our suffering. the solidarity of suffering whispers that we need not feel guilty for our lack of hope, but instead, feel empathy and connection and community in our pain. there is a flicker of silver in these clouds, and the silver is this: we are ALL living in a world amiss, and if no other hope is found (though i believe there will be) - there is hope in the reality that we are not alone.

hours after the show, at church on sunday morning, our conversation turned to 'unity', and how we as a church are here to bring hope to the city. we (collectively) living to bring hope to a city (collectively). i've stumbled my way into a church whanau that actually cares about these things, more than prosperity doctrine, more than splitting hairs over translations and soapboxes to stand on. my GOD it is nice to be around people who are living simply, and counter culturally, and socially consciously… and people who are committed to bringing hope together… so it doesn't all fall back on me, being on point, the stacey-youth-worker-superhero that i so often feel like i am expected to be. god's promise is that he will bring hope and a future to this nation (and all nations!), that i am but one wee cell in this body that is meant to look like christ, and that he will use me as part of this body, in spite of my struggles… even through my struggles. his grace is enough to carry us through this struggling world, and sometimes, if we look close enough, we'll even see flowers spring up through cracks in the pavement.


for your interest, the two headlining hip-hop artists that i got all inspired by were lee reed and test their logik. get amongst. and big, big ups to my all-time favourite hippie for setting up the gig, always inspiring me, and still listening to my unraveling thoughts, after all these years. 

27 in music.

birthday flowers from a friend for whom i am inexpressibly thankful. 

'now she's as poor as me, but she looks twice as good. i told her that, because it's something i would.' 
- leif vollebekk

leif vollebekk is streaming into my ears as i type, and his voice is like a weathered wooden floor in the most familiar place, sun stretching over it and illuminating the cracks - warm, familiar and beautiful. you must listen. no really, you must.

on thursday i turned 28. i like being able to wrap my years up neatly when they finish, and place them in a box with a label, then on a shelf in chronological order. for a myriad of reasons, i can't quite do that with the last year (or two? or three?)...

but one thing i can define from the year that i was 27, is that one of the bestest things that happened to me was learning to dj. sure, learning about the software and equipment and crowd management were great, but what it really taught me was this:

it is my job to love music. and i am damn good at it.

music has always been intensely personal for me, a close friend and refuge that sometimes feels too vulnerable to share with others. not to mention the times that friends have scoffed at my 'weird' tastes in music, or made fun of me for genuinely enjoying pop music. learning to dj, and having strangers come up and tell me how much fun they've had and how perfect the music was, or having my boss pass on emails he's received from happy clients, or people who want to re-book me... it's been amazing to receive some affirmation that, well, music is my jam. 

so. rather than a failed attempt at summarizing the year that was 27 in words, i'll define it in music. what follows is 27 songs/artists/albums that i took in my arms and held close to my chest in the past year. actually, i already gave you leif, above, so here are the other 26 (complete with linky-links to experience them for yourself! man i'm nice).

- first and foremost: macklemore. yeah, yeah, you've heard thrift shop, but seriously... listen to the rest of that album. it will blow your mind.

- the last three months of 27 was animated by a person who arrived out of nowhere, played me music and listened and smiled, and disappeared just as suddenly as he came. one thing he left me with was a growing fondness for canadian music, and an addiction to the rabbit-hole that is the cbc radio website. i discovered the weakerthans, who kinda make me feel like i just arrived in the nineties and that is a feeling i wish to re-visit every day ever. he also introduced me to wool on wolves, with lilting, driving folk-rock from right here in e-town. indirectly, through cbc radio 3, i also discovered the acoustic-ey, folk-rocky whimsy of mike edel & bahamas.

- two more rad edmonton bands from completely different genres are the preying saints - gritty rockabilly, and scenic route to alaska - indie-folk-rock gold!

- karla adolphe - i've loved her forever (since 2005, which is forever ago.), but her album 'honeycomb tombs' last year was perfection.

- you've, uh, probably heard of them before, but bob dylan was my soundtrack while participating in NaNoWriMo, and over the past year i've fallen more and more and more and more in love with queen. freddie mercury makes my heart prit' near explode with inspiration. revisit them. you won't regret it.

- ray lamontagne... i can't decide whether this man's honesty rips me to pieces or puts me back together again, but either way, it's gut-squeezingly beautiful.

- so, fun. has been all up in the radio's bizz with 'some nights', but my brother gave me their album aim & ignite (which was pre-some nights), and i've listened to it at least a bazillion times. pretty much the exact same story with hellogoodbye (except their radio hit was here in your arms in 2006...)

- heath mcnease wrote an entire album based on the works of c.s. lewis, then gave it away for free!

- i think everyone else discovered ingrid michaelson a few years ago, but i only just did now...

- my brother in law knows me so well... when he posted a song by the lone bellow on my facepage, it was love at first listen.

- my boss got me into reidiculous and his (free!) dance-a-licious remixes of current pop. just in case one version of call me maybe isn't enough for you. (it isn't enough. i checked.)

- vitamin string quartet performs covers of all sorts of music, from marilyn manson to green day, coldplay, lady gaga... you name it. i always feel like a super-sneak when i get away with playing weezer's 'buddy holly' during the mellow cocktail hour at a classy wedding.

- when people ask me what kind of music i like best, and i say 'old music,' they often think that i mean, like, the cure, or early punk-rock or something. no. i mean the dell-vikings. like, doo-wops make my heart get all mushy-melty.

- i listen to the soundtrack to les miserables on regular rotation. actually. and since the movie came out last year, it was extra involved my life.

- bo burnham still makes me laugh, and i rediscovered him in january... still just as clever and funny as when i first heard him. if you're easily offended, probably skip this one. but if you love crass puns... get in!

- i'd forgotten about this zowie song, but rediscovered it in all it's glory. also: everything zowie wears in that video. hello.

- if i have the clarity of mind to realise that feeling good about things is a choice that i have to make... i have an ass-kicking playlist that helps me feel like i'm killing it at life, or at least that i can be. now, if i told you every song on that list, i'd have to kill you, but 4 of them, in all their pop-cliche glory, (bringing my total musical recommendations to 27!) are: kanye west, gym class heroes, andy grammer and no doubt. #sorryimnotsorry.

here's to another year of musical discovery!

grief words.

for a long time, i've had no words. 

they needed me to find some for the funeral, so i begged god for words and borrowed words from that ancient prayer book that seems to always say things right. johnny said it was okay if i mixed them up and rearranged them to fit for that snowy night, and so i did - i bent them and folded them and weaved them with tears rolling down my face. i stirred them together with the ones that fell from heaven, into my heart, after hours of worrying that they'd never come - the ones about faithful friends and kindness and laughter, and all the brightness he brought to our lives. 

and that night they unravelled and rolled away, and it seems that i haven't quite been able to find any words, anywhere, ever since. if i stumble across a word or phrase or a poem or two, under a rug or at the back of a dusty cupboard, i turn them over in my hands and wonder if they'll fit, if they can describe this tangled mess of grief and love and loss...

but they can't.

even words fail me now.  

they used to be gold and silver, my ace card, and my release, and now all my words just seem cheap. too cheap, too empty, too feeble for my friend, and for all the love he left behind. 

and so for now, i borrow. 

today, for this mess, anne lamott can say it for me:

Most of us figure out by a certain age – some of us later than others – that life unspools in cycles, some lovely, some painful, but in no predictable order.  So you could have lovely, painful, and painful again, which I think we all agree is not at all fair.  You don’t have to like it, and you are always welcome to file a brief with the Complaints Department.  But if you’ve been around for a while, you know that much of the time, if you are patient and are paying attention, you will see that God will restore what the locusts have taken away.

I admit, sometimes this position of gratitude can be a bit of a stretch. So many bad things happen in each of our lives. Who knew? When my son, Sam, was seven and discovered that he and I would probably not die at exactly the same moment, he began to weep and said, 'If I had known that, I wouldn't have agreed to be born.' This one truth, that the few people you adore will die, is plenty difficult to absorb. But on top of it. someone's brakes fail, or someone pulls the trigger or snatches the kid, or someone deeply trusted succumbs to temptation, and everything falls apart. We are hurt beyond any reasonable chance of healing. We are haunted by our failures and mortality. And yet the world keeps on spinning, and in our grief, rage, and fear a few people keep on loving us and showing up. It's all motion and stasis, change and stagnation. Awful stuff happens and beautiful stuff happens, and it's all part of the big picture. 

In the face of everything, we slowly come through. We manage to make new constructs and baskets to hold what remains, and what has newly appeared. We come to know - or reconnect with - something rich and okay about ourselves. And at some point, we cast our eyes to the beautiful skies, above all the crap we're wallowing in, and we whisper, 

'Thank you.' 

the above excerpt is from anne lamott's 'help, thanks, wow: the three essential prayers' which you should read if you can fog a mirror. 

coming soon...

some words.

it's been a while. i've been sooooo busy, mostly doing this:

it's a tough life, i know.

sweet sounds : a night at the opera

on this date, thirty-seven years ago, Queen's fourth studio album was released. as the album that catapulted them into superstar-dom, a night at the opera boasted a closing track that utterly shattered the mould for rock and roll radio hits - bohemian rhapsody.

i'm currently reading (and loving!) an intimate account of the life of freddie mercury. over the past year, more than ever, i've been touched, amazed and inspired by the music of queen, and the enigma that was mr. fahrenheit. today, i am so, so grateful for queen's music, in all it's quirky, glam-rock glory... it makes me come alive.

get lost! : new york city, part two! afropunk fest 2012

afropunk fest 2012 - brooklyn, new york city

one day during my nyc adventure, my friend's sister tipped me off to a free music festival, where, among many other artists, gym class heroes were meant to be playing. i do enjoy me a little gch, and love a live show, so i decided to head on down. knowing very little of what to expect, i navigated the subway system, and got off a stop or two too early, and wandered through brooklyn towards commodore barry park - on the way i got asked for directions... mistaken for a local! every traveller's dream. 

afropunk fest with brooklyn as a backdrop

i joined the colorful queue of people entering the park through a single space in the bordering chain link fence. filing into the park, i fell into a sea of incredibly stylish people... it was obvious that this festival was definitely not just about the music, but clearly a place to see and be seen. 

while a dj pumped an eclectic mix of hip-hop and rock, i found myself part of a large group of people encircling an impromptu dance-off. it was super fun and friendly, and all kinds of awesome! i took quite a few pics, cause it was a moment in time that i certainly didn't want to forget...

when the dj stepped aside, to make room for one of the event organizers to take the stage, we found out that due to illness, gym class heroes would not be playing tonight. i was a bit disappointed, but was presently distracted by the fact that they'd brought in pharrell williams to introduce the headliner... nbd.

pharrell turned up to say hey... 

janelle monáe

prior to afropunkfest, i'd only heard of janelle monáe as the lovely voice featured in fun.'s debut hit, we are young. i was absolutely blown away by this lady's incredible voice, seasoned showmanship, and her sneaky ability to turn me into a fan within minutes. i had an absolute blast at her show - a highlight was when she covered the jackson five's i want you back, which suited her voice and style perfectly. check out this girl's music here, you won't be disappointed, i promise :)

much love to brooklyn, janelle monae and afropunkfest for one of my favorite afternoons in nyc :)  

still a few more nyc pics to come! 

get lost: new york city, part one! chinatown & little italy

new york! 

back in september, after my summer job packed it in, i squished a sleeping bag and two weeks worth of clothes into a carry-on suitcase, and caught the early flight to nyc. half that time was in new york, and the other half was in maine, and i've got a ton of great photos from the adventure - have just had a chance to sit down and pick out a few of the best... here's the first few!

my dear friend jessie, whom i had ventured east to visit, happens to be awesomely chinese, and knows of all sorts of hole-in-the-wall places to eat in chinatown, and i was spoiled with amaaaaaazing food for the entirety of my trip. bubble tea! vietnamese sandwiches! soupy dumplings! i definitely developed a healthy addiction to rice noodles with peanut sauce, which i have tried in vain to reproduce since returning. it was invaluable to have a cantonese-speaking guide, especially one who enjoys eating as much as i do... 

chinese sausage cassrole... sounds weird, tastes AWESOME. 

elizabeth street arcade, chinatown. 

one of my missions while in chinatown was to track down a hello kitty cell phone case.... when in rome... jessie and her sister led me to elizabeth centre, a little underground arcade with a handful of shops selling, well, everything you'd expect an arcade shop in chinatown to sell - all sorts of electronics accessories, hello kitty toys, hair clippies, matchy-matchy stationery, kawaii trinkets, you name it. i was spoiled for choice, and found the perfect cutesy phone case, as well as a number of chinatown-esque gifts for some of my favourite ladies in new zealand :) 

street wares in chinatown

souvenirs for dayz! 

i do enjoy a good wander, and on my first day in nyc, i wandered through chinatown, north into little italy and on to soho. the photo below is a one of the streets where chinatown blurrs into little italy... i love how the 'no parking' sign on the right has been italianized...

the cafe-lined streets of little italy

soho!
i was totally enamoured by soho... just so classy an exactly what you'd expect from manhattan, i guess. i wandered the streets and the pretty little shops, and just when i was getting a hankering for a latte, i asked the clerk at an amazing little card shop where i could find a good coffee nearby. she said, well, there's a starbucks about a block away, but balthazar is across the street and they are the best around. balthazar it was. and it was divine. the service was fantastic, the atmosphere was dreamy, and the espresso was delicious. i only had a coffee, but if you find yourself peckish when walking down spring street someday, do indulge yourself - i doubt you'll regret it!

balthazar, soho

stay tuned for more photos from the new york adventure, coming soon :)

thought catalog is on fire today...

three poignant pieces of prose, for different seasons of the heart...

'i will not forget you' by chelsea fagan

'how to talk to someone you love' by stephanie georgopulos

'we met at the worst possible time' by christopher hudspeth

pick it up, pick it up!

methinks it's about time for another five iron frenzy fast...

yup. (photo originally appeared as a secret at www.postsecret.com)

there's no way you can stay down when listening to ska... and it's no surprise to my whanau that i lurrrvs me some ska. just try to stay sour when pumping up-strokes and trumpet solos - i dare you.

give me that third wave, those gritty gang vocals, that bass-line trudging up and down.  the most serious lyrical content paired with a cheerful beat, feeding my soul and reminding me that life is a whole lot better, if i just remember to dance.

wanna give it a try?

let me direct you... if i were you, i'd start with some streetlight manifesto, or the specials, cause they are the original deal. but then, if you like a little more funk in your soul, maybe you'd prefer the cat empire. if you're feeling angst-y there's less than jake, or for less horns and a little more punk rock, there's always rancid.

if you like your eighties covers like i certainly do,  either reel big fish or save ferris will be sure to win you over to the ska side.

and you know i won't end this post without mentioning five iron frenzy one more time - and if you like them, or christian ska happens to be your bag, be sure to check out the insyderz and the oc supertones, cause they shred too :)

ska for life!

scumbag brain and phantom earthquakes

one of the strangest things about being in canada, is being the lone earthquake habitue in a land blissfully unaware of them. it was exhausting being in christchurch, a year after the quake, sitting in a cafe and still hearing multiple conversations revolving around 'the quake' and 'damage' and 'insurance' and 'eqc' and 'gerry brownlee' and liquefaction' and 'demolition' and 'rebuild'. there were days that i couldn't wait to get out of there, to somewhere that i wouldn't have to talk about this stupid stupid stupid earthquake anymore. if a day came to a close, and i couldn't think of a conversation i'd had that was directly earthquake-related, i felt both disbelief and victory (as long as i didn't start to consider the conversations about things that were next-tier earthquake affected like gap fillers and pop-up container shops). and oh how exhilarating it was to be in canada, with a pointed absence of that ever-present pain-in-the-ass! no road construction! no port-a-loos on every corner! a city centre!

however, i learned quite quickly, and in a new way, the truth of the old idiom - wherever you go, there you are. 

hard days, in my mind, still get the 'well, at least it's not as bad as it was after the earthquake,' and when i feel down, i think, 'i'm pretty sure i don't feel as bad as i did after the earthquake.' and when i'm the last one in the house to take a shower and i miss out on hot water, i wouldn't dream of complaining, because i immediately think back to having a faint trickle of cold water for a shower, for the weeks when our hot water cylinder hadn't yet been fixed. but it's not all that selfless and grateful. even with the absence of external stimuli, my (scumbag) brain is still very, very conscious of (non-existent) imminent danger.

my brain, after months and months and months of constant, multiple earthquakes per day, in which my mind's immediate and arresting assumption was 'I AM ABOUT TO DIE', in the first split second before reason kicked in and i could deduce that it was only an aftershock (and not even a particularly strong one), still seems to be wired to react immediately to any threat, no matter what size, with, 'I AM ABOUT TO DIE.' even in the moments not following a threat, my scumbag brain likes to keep me on my toes by throwing in an occasional, casual, 'i could die at any moment'.  such fun!!  it also seems to be unable to trust weather, the earth, rocks…anything in the natural world that could, in fact, kill me. Heavy rainfall or thunderstorms keeps me on edge, acutely aware that nature can (and will) do her worst, if she so desires. 

when visiting new york city last month, i found myself constantly on edge, feeling the rumble of the subway, and my brain jumping to assume that it was an earthquake, and yes, you guessed it - i was about to die. the average person would be unfazed by the rumble of the subway, or a garbage truck, or someone with heavy footsteps walking on the upper floor of an old building, but my nerves have become supersonically sensitive to these movements, and seem to notice the ground shaking when no one else can. in moments when i seem to be the only one to feel this, i have been able to point out a sign, or a houseplant or a hanging light fixture, displaying the faintest bit of motion to prove my point to my doubting friends and family. Not only did the feeling of the subway beneath my feet awaken my internal earthquake-sensors, venturing underground to catch the subway took my anxiety to a whole other level entirely. 'wow', i kept thinking while looking at subway lines, plumbing pipes and electrical cables, 'new york would be seriously effed if there was an earthquake here'. knowing what i now know about the effects of seismic activity on underground infrastructure, i marvelled at the imagination of what would happen, were the ground to be jolted unexpectedly by the shift of tectonic plates, and all of the intricately connected underground channels were simultaneously disrupted… if the christchurch cbd had to be basically flattened and re-constructed, how much worse would it be in NYC!? pardon my crass language, but NYC would be fucked. oh wait, maybe i am meant to say 'munted.' no, no. no one would understand that here.

and when you're standing 6 stories underground, as i was one night, waiting for the subway at the 63st and lexington avenue subway station, which was under construction with many cables and beams exposed, thinking about such things, and getting mental pictures of the utter carnage that an earthquake would wreak on the place… you begin to feel slightly anxious. In fact, if you're me, you begin to reconcile yourself with the fact that in the case of an earthquake, you would most certainly die. instantly. and once you have accepted that, and decided that you're okay with that, it's very positive. because if you are, as i was, a lone, defenceless woman,  waiting for a train after midnight at 63rd and lexington, not only will you be waiting for quite a while, and working yourself up about impending earthquakey doom will really do a number on your nerves, you also have more immediate and probable concerns than an earthquake - sexual harassment and muggings, for example. it's better to direct your brain to the prevention of these occurrences, since, as we (well, in edmonton i) know all too well, there is nothing you can do to stop an earthquake from happening. ever. 

and now i find myself in the opposite situation from the one in new zealand, where it feels like every conversation revolves around the earthquake. here, understandably, NO conversations revolve around earthquakes in a tiny island nation half a world away from here. it didn't take long to learn how quickly a conversation gets awkward when someone exclaims, 'new zealand! you lived in new zealand for 6 years!? why on EARTH would you come back??' and i say 'well there was an earthquake that killed nearly two hundred people, destroyed the city that i lived in, including the shop i worked at, which made me lose my job, move five times in a year, get depressed and generally was a giant fucking wrench in the system of a life i actually previously quite enjoyed.' As a result of this, i don't mention the earthquake with too many people, as there are a precious few who have given much thought to the effects that it had (has?) on my life. three who are particularly empathetic are my sister, alana, and my friends angee and ryan. and ironically, but perhaps understandably, i really want to be able to talk about the earthquake, because it still has a presence in my mind, and will always exist in my memory as an experience (or, more aptly, a year of many many experiences) that has shaped who i am. And so, with the select few who i feel that i can talk about the earthquake with, i often find myself de-railing a perfectly peaceful non-earthquake-related conversation with a comment about how 'it' was 'after the earthquake.' then i realize what i've done, and how labor-intensive it must be for them to talk to me, their overly-dramatic friend/sister who turns upbeat conversations about kittens into a one-sided description of the devastating effects of a natural disaster. good grief. i'd be sick of me. 

so, in closing… to my new zealand friends - now you know what it's like when you leave, and no one is talking about it… not hearing about it every five seconds has it's pro's and con's. i miss you guys, and the intimacy that comes from those shared experiences….(no one gets it when i say 'panquakes' :( ) but also, i like having a stable place to live and work, and not having to continually dodge potholes when i drive through the city. to my canadian friends - thanks for putting up with my debbie-downer earthquake talk. and finally, to those of you that genuinely try to understand, i owe you all the gratitude i possess. 

gratitude cafe

lately i've been thankful for:

- a new job! both challenging and creative. love it. - brunch at hap's hungry house with ange-pangea after a night of dancing - the killers new album... awesome, awesome, awesome. - road trippin down memory lane with my sister & cousin - these little faces totally brightening up my world - road trippin through the rockies - finding new sushi places near my new work - antique shop oodling...over gorgeous vintage sewing machines, some as old as 1910! - getting a chance to do victory rolls, total 50's hair, my fave! - 

i write 'lately i've been thankful for' because i've missed my weekly gratitude cafe for a number of weeks now - pretty much haven't posted since being back from new york. i got a new job at a blow-dry bar, which came completely out of left field and although it had me crazy busy through the month of september, i am really, really enjoying it. i will write more about it soon! for a while there i had three jobs, plus extra training for the new one, and i was just running around like a maniac... i've dropped the ball on keeping my list of things i'm thankful for, and i think my perspective on life is really feeling it. now that training is over and i'm down to just two jobs, hopefully, i can get back into the habit... truly, even when i don't feel like it, there is plenty to be thankful for :)

linkie poos - rad people, words, music and other fun stuff

the internet can be a pretty unpredictable place, ay? i've found some pretty great reads lately, just thought i'd share them with you!


there are sure some inspiring people out there, like....

this guy, who's on an epic bike adventure...

...or this woman, who embraces simplicity in many ways.

my friend is pregnant, and her writing about it is HILARIOUS. such a refreshing twist on other pregnancy blogs... i mean, she's nicknamed the fetus 'darth maul.' if that's not enough to pique your interest, i don't know what is...

... this guy had face tattoos for a week, and talks about how it impacted is day-to-day life, while these people have permanent face tattoos that advertise websites that no longer exist! cray cray.

these guys live in the tiniest house ever and it's so awesome!


and i found some things that made me think, such as...

...this photo  of young people in russia protesting something that many north americans accept without question...

...or this concept of taking the time to do something that matters immensely.

nate wrote about the world renown jewish rapper who shaved his beard... it's a bigger deal than it sounds, okay?

thought catalog had a two heart-wrenching and memorable pieces, about absence, love and loss.


i've been pumping this music...

the killers released their new album on tuesday. i bought it the day it came out and it is AWESOME.

a couple weeks ago my brother introduced me to fun.'s older album, and it has been on steady airplay in my life... here's my fave song from the 'aim and ignite' album...

this song is just hitting radio waves, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy (forever indebted to alex for introducing this to me first :D )

i hate to admit to watching reality tv, but  swear i do it to see chrstina aguilera...and this makes me totally teary...

slightly profane but hilarious and catchy song about thrift store shopping...


and just for fun...

russia beyond the headlines compiled a list of foods that go well with vodka... they kind of make it seem like you can have a glass of it with a meal like it's apple juice or something...

for those wanting to have a good time without breaking the bank, here are some old faithful pastimes on the cheap...

these teenie people are so rad!

relatable if you're over 25 and unmarried...

this still makes me laugh til i cry (scantily clad man alert! not for the faint of heart...)


enjoy!

FIVE. IRON. FRENZY.

people who know me well, have, without a doubt, heard me talk about one thing. 

five iron frenzy. 

ever since i was 14, my 'favouritest favourite band ever' has been this kooky christian ska band, and few people have been able to truly understand just why i like them so much. yes, others will concede that the music is catchy and quirky and happy, but still they wonder what has elevated this 8-piece from denver, colorado miles above the many bands that i casually call 'one of my favourites', to absolute 'untouchable' status?



i'm convinced that some of my, ahem, not-so-ska-loving friends believe that I am the only person on the planet that loves this band so much. which is why, when i went to their show in new hampshire in august, i decided to photograph other people who like five iron as much as i do... and post said photographs on the internet to prove to my friends and family that my affinity for this band isn't an abnormal case, but one of many abnormal cases. i also wanted to hear exactly what others love about FIF (mostly to demonstrate that i didn't bribe people to don a five iron shirt and let me take a photo to prove a point.) 

first, a little back story for you. five iron frenzy formed in 1995, released 9 albums, and toured continuously for eight years. i discovered them in 2000, and at the beginning of 2003, they announced that they weren't breaking up, but were indeed 'quitting'. they spent the better part of 2003 traveling on their 'winners never quit' tour, and played their last show on november 22, 2003, at fillmore auditorium in their hometown of denver colorado. two of the raddest guys i knew took me on an epic road trip to see them in seattle on november 9. 

after their demise, i, and other fans, always hoped for a reunion, but any rumors of such things were continually dispelled by band members. 

regardless of the lack of new music to indulge in, five iron remained close to my heart. in 2011 (or, The Year That Everything That Possibly Could Fall Apart, Did, In Fact, Fall Apart), after a number of fairly bleak months, someone gave me the legendary advice; 'if you can't move forward, go back to what you know works.' while, for my beloved housemates, it meant listening to the WOW worship 90s compilation over and over again, i decided that desperate times called for desperate measures. I decided to spend a week, listening to nothing but five iron frenzy. in the midst of all the grief, i needed at least a tiny flicker of hope, and five iron had given me that in the past, so i embarked on the 'five iron fast', as i called it. would you be surprised to hear that at the end of the week, i didn't even want to break the fast? the old familiar music had helped me find a silver lining in the clouds; finally a small bit of hope to hold onto. 

and then, it happened. 

in late 2011, a countdown appeared on the band's website (which had been fan-run, since 2008), saying that 'something' was coming on november 22, 2011, the 8 year anniversary of their last show. after months of speculation, waiting, checking the website daily for any more foreshadowing, and trying to keep my expectations low, telling myself that it would maybe be a new website, or perhaps some newly available merchandise. i know i was not the only one that burst into tears when the announcement came that the best thing imaginable was happening. not only were five iron back together, new music was being written, tour dates were in the works, and a new single was about to be released. five iron frenzy soon became the most funded music project in Kickstarter's history, meeting their goal of raising $30000 to record the new album in a mere 54 minutes, and finishing the three-month funding period with nearly $208 000. i was not the only five iron frenzy fan still alive. the new single was released, melodically proclaiming that 'hope still flies.' i couldn't have agreed more. 

the fates aligned in my favour, and i was able to see five iron last month while on my boston adventure... which brings me back to the task at hand. operation prove-i'm-not-the-only-FIF-obsessed-human-being-out-there (operation name under review.) little did i know that in this process, i would be absolutely inspired by the people i met, and re-fall-in-love with five iron again. 

five iron fans scattered throughout soulfest - sarah with a rad diy five iron shirt!

 


after years of solo travel, i am completely happy to take in concerts and fesitvals alone, and normally wouldn't go out of my way to start conversations with other people. however, it was SO easy to approach someone wearing a five iron frenzy t-shirt, or other ummm... obvious five iron costumery (i'm talking to you bryon garrison!), simply mention five iron frenzy and become instant pals. 

kickstarter backers! i didn't catch these guys' names, cause the music on the main stage was pumping... 

people who had pledged money to the kickstarter project could be spotted wearing the kickstarter-exclusive t-shirts, as the guy on the above left is wearing. others, like bryon, below, identified by other means, such as an apparel reference to the character on the cover of the last five iron album released. 

bryon garrison, from lebanon, PA - and what i presume was the inspiration for his concert garb... 

there were homemade five iron t-shirts, merch from five iron's early years, blue combs (in reference to a fan-favoured song), and my favourite - handmade wings, stitched with the word 'hope'. i even met a married couple whose first conversation was about five iron frenzy! 

bob & jackie from north brookwood MA, who bonded over their love of ska, with eric from toronto, ON

as i probed these die-hards about the reasons for their devotion - especially the ones who became fans after the band quit in 2003 - a few themes emerged. surprisingly, only a few mentioned the actual sound of the band - and when they did, they were quick to follow with their appreciation for the message behind all of those trumpet and trombone riffs. 

'they're one of the only ska bands to have a really deep message,' said bryon garrison, 'they have a sense of humor, but also a sense of deep spirituality that they can express through their music, and a lot of bands can't.' 

almost every fan i talked said that they appreciated five iron's lyrics more than anything else - not just the depth of meaning, but also band's silly sense of humor. (every album produced has included at least one joke track, one cd even including eight joke songs about a mysterious pair of pants, each song recorded in a different musical genre.) the majority of the band's lyrics are written by vocalist reese roper, and explore themes as diverse as the plight of the north american indians, consumerism, brokenness and hope, and predominantly, the struggles of the christian faith. 

kate and devon bartholomew from syracuse, NY

'roper's openness and understanding of the crushed, broken human spirit, and that it's only god's grace, and it's only god's unconditional love through christ that can carry us through,' was the thing that devon from syracuse NY most appreciated about five iron. 'well, that and the fun that can be had through music as well!'

i especially loved talking to a group of young guys from stanford, CT, who had all become fans in the years following five iron's 'last' show - the concert in new hampshire was their first opportunity to see five iron in real life and they were beyond stoked. 

carlton, tyler, tom and mike (not pictured!) were rad young fans from stanford, CT.  'now that i'm a christian,' said mike,  'everyone's like, 'christians are boring and lame,' and everyone in my house thinks i'm lame, but when you listen to these guys...it's a reminder that christians can be funny, and i just really like that.'

'they're diverse,' said tyler, 'you can listen to them no matter what mood you're in, and it's always the right thing to listen to.' 

'yeah,' agreed carlton, 'you're just always in the mood to listen to them, once you pop a cd in, you just keep listening. it'll start over and over again, and you never get tired of it.' 

SEEEEEE people?? i'm not the only one who does that.... it was like finding soul mates. lots of them. 

just as i did, others found that the meaningful lyrics had resonated with them on a more personal level, like carlie from gorham, ME (below, with the rad hope wings), who said that 'their music has a lot of meaning to me personally and spiritually, so, even over the years, throughout everything else, i still find a place in my heart for them.'

carlie from gorham, ME.... homemade winged awesomeness!

listening to the stories of other people who had found belonging in the music, i was taken back to when i first discovered this music...the humor, honesty and spirituality that became a friend when i felt i had none. i remember listening to their song 'suckerpunch' on repeat, singing along to the lyrics - about the trials of not fitting in at school.

they're all suckerpunching me, get in line for a wedgie,

 all i want and all i need is someone who believes in me.

a song sung for underdogs, for all the left out - 

a flag flying for losers somewhere in the heavens.

the god of everlasting comfort believes in me,

loves me when i am faithless, he still died for me.

eric, a fellow canadian who had made the trip down from toronto summed it up perfectly. 

'they don't take themselves too seriously, and it resonates with the left out, the ones that don't fit in, that don't know how to be 'scene'.... a lot of five iron fans seem to just live their lives in this isolation of 'i have this wonderful thing and i just wish you'd all share it with me,' but we still live alone, and then we come to things like this, and are surrounded by people who like the same thing, and ahhh, it's so nice to know you're not alone!'

travis frakes and adam roberts, from yorktown, VA, who had, in fact, driven 500 miles to see five iron play in new hampshire...  adam said, 'i would say that my reason why i love five iron frenzy is the fact that they can go from wild and crazy concerts to, at the end of a concert, just busting out in worship ...they have such a good attitude towards everything. they're just great.'

when the time came for five iron frenzy to take the stage, i skoochie-skooched down to the very front of the crowd, and ended up beside adam and travis (above). we banded together with dave from boston and a 15year old kid called logan in a shirt and tie, and the five of us shared the time before the show like kids waiting to run downstairs on christmas morning - buzzing with anticipation, bonding over our love for five iron, and sharing what lengths we had gone to to because of the impact the music had on our lives. travis and i even discovered that we had been at the same show in seattle on the winners never quit tour! 

words can't really do justice to the incredible experience the show was - especially being able to share it with people who i knew understood - really understood - how it felt to be there, singing those songs that had brought me so far, in solidarity with a bunch of other misfit kids, who, in this music, found a reason to smile, and a compass pointing to hope. 

just moments before the show started...

every time five iron plays live, they end their set with the song 'Every New Day,' a fan favourite, that talks about the struggles and disillusionment that wear down a childlike faith, and ends with a cry to god, asking for his mercy, and his strength to make a broken spirit new.  

FIF kept this tradition, and closed the new hampshire show with Every New Day, which left few dry eyes in the crowd (and on the stage, actually).  i can find no other word to describe that moment than sacred...where human and divine collide, a thousand voices raised together, unified by hope.

following the lead of the heroes of this story, i'll end this post with a portion of the lyrics of a song that has truly changed my life. every new day. 

when i was young, the smallest trick of light could catch my eye,

and life was new and every new day i thought that i could fly.

i believed in what i hoped for, and i hoped in things unseen,

i had wings and dreams could soar, i just don't feel like flying anymore...

...dear father, i need you, your strength my heart to mend.

i want to fly higher, every new day again.

man versus himself, man versus machine.

man versus the world, mankind versus me.

the struggles go on, the wisdom I lack,

the burdens keep piling up on my back.

so hard to breathe, to take the next step.

the mountain is high, I wait in the depths.

yearning for grace, and hoping for peace - 

dear god, increase!

healing hands of god have mercy on our unclean souls once again.

jesus christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.

freedom means love without condition, without a beginning or an end.

here's my heart, let it be forever yours,

only you can make every new day seem so new.

if you've made it all the way to the end, you're probably already a five iron fan. but if not, and anything i've written has peaked your interest, check out five iron frenzy's website here. also, the denver post took some pretty rad photos of the band that you can check out here, and an interesting article about their kickstarter campaign here. or, if you want to read more about their reunion, relevant magazine posted an interview here. 

lastly, i simply must say that five iron frenzy makes it clear that the only reason they have been able to do any of this, is because of the grace of god and the love of jesus christ. i'll echo that sentiment, and add that though this music has so massively impacted my life, i know without a doubt that five iron frenzy was (and is) simply a vessel that god has used to show me his great, unfathomable, unconditional love.